Q: I’m new to this. I found this guy online and he claims to be a Dominant. He is caring over messages, and I think we made a connection. However, I asked him to meet in person before we take it any further. If I don’t see him I will not be comfortable doing my role as a good submissive.
He said yes, but he insists I go straight to his place. I want to have drinks outside for the first time and then set the rules and take it from there. He is making excuses and insists I go straight to his place. What do you think about this? Is he showing he doesn’t understand my needs from the beginning? Is he pushing my boundaries? What should I do next?
A: Let me start by saying… red flag, red flag, RED. FUCKING. FLAG. You called it, by saying that he CLAIMS to be a Dominant. His actions clearly aren’t lining up with his words, and I’m glad to see that you noticed that. Seriously, his being pushy about your going to his place reek of desperation, and is a definite sign of a wannabe Dominant.
It’s not that he doesn’t understand your needs, he just doesn’t care about them. And if he’s showing that he doesn’t care this early in the game, then how do you think that he’s going to act later? Ask yourself, why is he so interested in getting you over to his place? What’s the rush? The answer is, there SHOULDN’T be a rush.
And as far as pushing your boundaries, you’re kind of right. He’s likely seeing if you’ll give in and do what he wants. Don’t do it.
So you’re doing the right thing by wanting to meet with him in a public place. I do want to suggest one thing – don’t set rules over drinks. Your judgement will be impaired, and you’re likely not going to be happy about how things progress. If you happen to ignore what I just said, be sure that you keep an eye on your drinks at the very least (because erm… Rohypnol, you know?), and try not drink too much – you want to have your wits about you.
If you’ve already said that you don’t want to meet at his place, then don’t. You don’t have to do a damn thing that you don’t want to do. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to stay safe. Stick to your own rules.
If he, or any other guy really wants to meet with you, then the best thing that you can do when meeting a new Dominant for the first time is to meet with them at a local munch. Better yet, tell them that if they want you to come to their place you want to bring someone with you when you meet. (I can almost GUARANTEE you that you’ll be met with opposition with this one).
With all this said, when meeting a new Dominant, a lot of new submissives become prey to wannabe Dominants. In most cases it’s because the submissive feels that they NEED to do what’s asked of them simply because some tool decided to give themselves the title of Dominant – which is completely untrue.
If he’s still being weird about your meeting at his place, then be done with him. He’s not the only guy in existence and you’ll be a LOT better off without the drama. Remember that relationships – if that’s what you’re looking for – take time to develop. And you’re WORTH getting to know.
Here are some other articles I’ve written that might help you:
- 10 Ways to Stay Safe When Meeting a Dominant
- The Difference Between Being Dominant vs. Domineering
- Dealing with a Fake Dominant
Good luck, and I hope this helps you. Let me know how it goes for you!