Q: I am a female submissive that has been interested and exploring the BDSM scene for around 4 years now. Only now have I got the time to fully invest in exploring this side. (i.e. making a FetLife account and actively trying to speak to different dominants hoping to find someone I connect with.) However, I have found that a few of the males/Dom’s that I have been speaking to have tried to rush things and when I have been slightly hesitant they have not been pleased.
For example, speaking to one Dom (for only a few hours) when he asked me for pictures of my face. I understand this and was completely willing to do so, when I asked him for pictures too and as he asked first he could send his before I sent mine. This he didn’t like and said don’t argue just say “yes sir”. So I just sent the photo anyway, and when I sent one he continued on to say he wanted more. So I sent more thinking it was to make sure I wasn’t a fake. Which I understand. I then asked for his to which he sent one, and when I asked if I got more than one, he said no.
Then he goes on to say I must be more obedient next time and not argue, and I’m his type “physically but we will see”. He wanted me to give him control and my trust straight away after only speaking for say 30 minutes. I said that it wasn’t fair of him to expect such of me straight away, and that I don’t give up my will straight away nor to someone that I have only been speaking to for such a short period of time. He then said I had failed two tests now and that he was done and said bye.
Can you please give me advice on what I did wrong. Was I wrong to say this? I didn’t think this was rude on my behalf but wanted to make sure? Is it common for dominants to “test” submissives so early? Is this something I should be aware of? Should I expect Doms to test me?
A: To start, testing a submissive is indeed something that Dominants do. If a submissive has just met or only recently met a Dominant, in my opinion, they should believe everything is a test. Even if the Dominant says that they’re not doing so, they will likely be testing a submissive – even if they’re only doing it subconsciously.
Most, if not all, experienced Dominants assess the quality of submissives. Even a Dominant who is not consciously evaluating a submissive is still going to notice certain things in a submissive, and those things will influence the opinion that Dominant has of them. This is something that submissives should always keep in mind when meeting a Dominant.
Notice that I said EXPERIENCED. It’s important. I’ve found that most people on FetLife that claim to be a Dominant have a definitive lack of that. There is a certain skill set that’s needed to do successfully do this, and unfortunately, it’s beyond the scope of this post.
With this said, you didn’t do anything wrong in your case, except try to display transparency. While this isn’t a bad thing, wannabe dominants try to use this as a way to see exactly what they can make you do. And in case you’re wondering what you should be doing differently, the answer is…
Not a damn thing. Unless you’re being purposefully impolite or bratty to see if someone can control that. If that’s the case, then you’ve whole different set of issues
Regarding the photos, you don’t have to immediately send your photos to anyone. The guy could be some kind of twink photo collector (which is probably true). However, at the very least you should send one, RECENT photo, just so you don’t lose the interest of someone you like because they think they’re being catfished. After this, you don’t have to send shit. My suggestion would be that you give yourself a length of time before you actually send photos to someone – and don’t make it months, because I can almost GUARANTEE you that no one is waiting that long to see what you look like.
Okay to be honest, I did once a few years ago. I wanted to see if I was being cynical about this belief. Nope I wasn’t. The woman tried to lead me on for months. I eventually got bored and stopped talking to her.
I’m glad to see that you called this wanker on his bullshit. You were absolutely correct in letting him know that he shouldn’t expect anything from you, especially after a half hour. Remember, NO ONE should ever try to impose some form of dominance onto you, and they sure as hell shouldn’t be trying to force photos out of you. That’s a form of being domineering. Good job sticking your ground!
As far as people trying to rush into a relationship with you, I recently wrote an article called “Some Advice on Being a Submissive,” if a Dominant is trying to rush you into a permanent dynamic, you’ve to ask yourself (and them as well) “what’s the bloody rush?” In addition, if they’re pressuring you in ANY form for more than you’re honestly willing to give and have expressed this to them, just leave them alone.
I just want to say that I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with wannabe dominants that didn’t pan out. FetLife typically churns out blokes like that. Ultimately, you saved yourself from a world of headache. Any thinking person would be proud of you.
Hope this helps.