Q: I started speaking with a “dominant”, or so he claimed. Things started off fine, but then I would open up to him or try to learn about him, and he would never let me in, never acknowledge what I said, or how I felt.
I went through three months of trying to get to know him and build trust and a relationship with him, but found myself at the end of the night crying and upset because he would blatantly ignore me and my efforts.
I have now ended things but he continues to contact me telling me that I am not allowed to leave, or that I am currently speaking with a fake dominant because he is taking the time to build my trust and respects me as his submissive.
I am new (four months or so) to BDSM and being a submissive, but this does not sound healthy whatsoever. I am unsure of what to do or if this is even normal. If you could please give me advice on what to do, how to proceed or even what is remotely normal.
A: I’m really sorry to hear that this happened to you. The good thing is, you’re not alone in this. I have heard stories from, and have witnessed more than a few new submissives that have had absolutely horrid experiences with fake Dominants.
You’re absolutely correct, though – this is NOT a normal or healthy thing. I’m glad that you recognise this.
From what I read, you seemed to be doing what you were supposed to do, with getting to know him, which is an excellent thing! However, you two were only just starting to get to know each other (yes, submissives vet Dominants too!), he might not initially open up private things about himself to you. I’m a pretty private person myself, and I keep certain things in my personal life – like my family – away from my submissives. While this may change, it’s definitely not something that I would ever immediately tell someone.
But, no matter if Dominant, submissive, or anything in between, if after three months you still don’t know anything about someone, that should be an indication that something isn’t right and you need to re-evaluate your situation.
Something that might have helped is if you had gotten a reference from one of his former submissives, or someone else in his community. Word of dodgy people gets around quickly, especially in smaller communities. If someone has been part of a community for any amount of time, then at the very least, someone should be able to vouch for their character.
If he couldn’t (or refused to) produce a single reference, that would definitely be a red flag.
You mentioned that you spent three months trying to get to know him, but he would ignore you. This is fucking horrible. Ignoring your partner is a bad thing for ANY relationship, D/s or otherwise. It creates feelings of abandonment in most cases, which is a mental train wreck for anyone.
I’m glad to hear that you finally got away from this bloke. Now regarding his telling you that you aren’t allowed to leave, first of all, you’re allowed to do whatever the hell you want to do. If he isn’t a suitable Dominant for you, then you’ve every right to leave. If he didn’t show any respect for your submission to him or your relationship as a whole, then he doesn’t deserve to have you.
Your current Dominant (if I read that right) should step up and let this other clod know that his efforts to contact you are NOT welcome. Kinda comes with the whole “being responsible for your submissive” thing.
With all of this said, my advice to you at this point is:
- Learn from this experience. And don’t beat yourself up over it. Like I said before, it happens. But if you don’t learn from it, it’ll happen – and keep happening – again. Sub frenzy is a very real – and very dangerous – thing.
- Don’t be so eager to jump into a relationship with anyone – especially if they claim to be a Dominant. Becoming a part of this lifestyle is a marathon, not a sprint. So give yourself time to learn and embrace all that it offers. A Dominant worth your time should understand that, as well.
- If something seems off about someone’s character, don’t be afraid to go with your gut. You may be wrong, and they could be an amazing person, but do you REALLY want to be right and kick yourself for NOT listening to your instincts?
- Don’t be afraid to find a mentor, or ask advice from people in your community that have been part of this lifestyle for awhile. It will be more helpful than you believe. You can always ask me questions if you need to.
- Repeat after me: “I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant.” “I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant.””I WILL NOT get into a relationship with a new Dominant…”
I want you to remember this: Submission is an EARNED thing, and and has to constantly BE earned. Your thoughts, feelings and desires are all very important things, and should be acknowledged.
Here are some other articles I’ve written that might help you:
- The Difference Between Being Dominant vs. Domineering
- Mentoring is Good for New Submissives
- Are You Cut Out to be a Submissive?
- 20 Signs that You’re in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
I hope this helps you. Good luck!