Are You Cut Out to be a Submissive?

Believe it or not, not everyone is capable of being a submissive. It is even possible that you are not really cut out for it. We all have different thresholds for what we can and can’t do, but realising you can’t be submissive isn’t the end of the world.

Great, so how do you know if you can be a submissive or not?

First, let me say that the type of submissive I’m talking about here is a relationship submissive; someone who is subordinate in everyday things. A bedroom submissive or a kinky bottom is something entirely different. Anyone can be a bottom for a short period of time. You can be submissive for weekends or set amounts of time. I’m not going to cover this form of submission in this article.

What I am going to cover is submission on a personality or character level. Most of you are going to either agree or disagree with this, but you’ve already gotten this far, so you might as well keep reading, right? People develop specific personality traits, that then define if they can be submissive or not. There are a few, however, that don’t lend themselves to being a vital part of submission and can in fact cause a lot of strife. If these can not be curbed it is likely you are not cut out to be submissive.


  • Selfishness and Self-importance
  • Domineering Behaviour
  • Manipulative
  • Bratty(!)

So with these said, let’s get started, yes?

On being a selfish submissive

Selfishness is a very damaging trait to have when you are trying to be submissive. Most new and/or untrained submissives tell themselves that they won’t submit unless they get something in return. I had a submissive that was like this, and it got to the point that she wouldn’t want to play unless she was getting an orgasm or something like that. She was being selfish, and made her needs and desires more important than mine.

Now, had she started seeing things as giving more, she would have actually been rewarded more often.

As far as domineering behaviour is concerned, I know — just like every other Dominant knows — that no one is perfect. If you are constantly fighting for the control then you will never submit. You should submit because it fulfills a need in you to do so, like an ache that just won’t go away. Submission is almost the same as surrendering. Accept that your partner knows best for you, and that they will care for you — and your domineering behavior will begin to dissolve.

On being a manipulative submissive

Being manipulative is right up there with domineering behaviour. And for most, if not all Dominants, it’s annoying as hell. Forcing someone to do something they wouldn’t do, or pushing so hard that they give in is not going to allow you to submit. I’ve heard some submissives say that they are just being persuasive, and that their Dominant doesn’t mind. I’m willing to bet that if I asked their Dominants, they would say otherwise. Listen, Dominants DO NOT want a submissive that tries to maintain control or bend their will. It’s counter-productive to the power exchange that is the cornerstone of a D/s relationship.

On being a bratty submissive

And finally, I’d like to talk about being bratty. I put an exclamation point up there because there is a caveat to this point. A lot of submissives and Dominants alike say that being bratty is okay to a relationship. It’s just considered playful fun in other partnerships. Now, I’m not against a little playful fun, but being bratty and being playful are completely different things. A brat is never welcome in a submissive. I consider bratty behaviour to be childish attempts to manipulate the situation. I’m certain that you have seen people be bratty in a way that makes you shake their head and wonder why they are submissive or why the Dominant doesn’t clock them one. It’s just bad form and looks bad.

A real Dominant will always be able to tell the difference between a brat and a playful sub. Always.

Why is any of this important to know?

Knowing the traits that are detrimental to a submissive’s relationship and herself can bring about the change that is necessary if submission is your goal. Let’s face the truth; you can change who you are. You are the only person who can, so if submission really is what you want in life you can make the changes necessary.

If you aren’t willing to work on these things and you enter into a D/s relationship you are being misleading to a Dominant in your intentions. How can you submit if you are not going to make the changes necessary to be a submissive worthy of their charge?

Being aware of your non-submissive traits can also help a perspective partner aware of what they are in for. I was straight-forward with my Master that I had a lot of personal changes to go through in order to submit in the way I wanted to and that he wanted from me. Thankfully he said he was willing to work with me while I made the necessary changes.


You’ve made the first step if you can see these traits hindering your submissive attitude and causing strife for yourself and your partner. Next you need to start working on changing yourself. This is not an easy process but it is possible if you wish it. Buy a few self-help books if you need it to help you improve your behavior and figure out what skills are needed to change your attitude. You can also seek professional help, or that of a mentor. Many times having someone else talk to you about your struggle can bring you closer to shedding those poor behaviors.

If through all this you still can’t shake those feelings of selfishness and manipulative behaviours you have just one admission left — you are not cut out to be submissive.

I’ve given you the thoughts to get you started and as you can see it’s not a dead end. If you are willing to work at it, and it’s something you really want, then submission is possible. Good things are never easy to achieve. Work hard at it and you will be rewarded.

I’ve a few things for you to think on:

  1. What personality traits do you consider poor for a submissive to have that I may have forgotten?
  2. Do you see yourself in this article? Where are you in the journey?
  3. Do you agree with the idea that submission can be achieved if you want it bad enough?

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  • Reply
    August 5, 2018 at 6:12 pm

    My biggest question is what traits should a submissive look for when searching for a true dominant? As in someone who won’t endanger him/her and respect their limitations. Secondly, what category would a submissive with trust issues fall under seeing how trust is the baseline in any relationship (even friendship)? And lastly, how would someone go about finding a mentor in the BDSM world?

    I’m sorry for asking so many questions and taking so long to reply. If you don’t have an answer that’s fine. I was just wondering.

  • Reply
    July 11, 2018 at 3:09 am

    I want to start this by saying I really like this article. Next, I’m pretty sure I’m a submissive, as in an actual one. Though I didn’t know the correct term, I’ve known (or considered) this about myself since I was 15. I do have a couple of questions since I can’t find anyone else to answer. If you have the time I’d appreciate it if you could answer them. Again, great article. It gave me a lot to think about.

    • Reply
      Rajan Dominari
      July 23, 2018 at 1:28 pm

      I’d be happy answer your questions, Jay! Is there something specific that you’d like to know?

  • Reply
    December 14, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    Interesting article. I look forward discussing it with you, if that’s ok, next time we see each other.

    • Reply
      Rajan Dominari
      December 14, 2017 at 5:19 pm

      Thank you for reading! And of course you can discuss it with me. I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have.

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